Deep in a dark, slimy, scummy, nasty, rat-infested, rotten underground laboratory, the professor tapped his foot in utter impatience. "Where the heck is Kaolinite?!" he yelled, looking at his watch. "She was supposed to be here exactly one second ago!"
        "Uh...sorry I'm late". Kaolinite came strolling gracefully in and tripped over a large lump in the middle of the floor. "Owwwww!!! What was that?!!" Kaolinite looked down and screamed. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! It's a Chibimoon doll!! Get it away!!!" She kicked the pink-clad (ugh) doll across the room, causing several of the professor's daimons to run screeching out of the lab.
        "You DORK! Those were my last ones!" The professor whacked Kaolinite. "Now, tell me our ultimate purpose in this idiotic fanfic".
        "Hey!!" Cheryl and Michelle yelled from offscreen.
        The professor and Kaolinite ignored them. "Our purpose is to find the Sacred Chalice and to conquer the world, like dumb ol' Beryl and the Weird Old Guy failed to do-"
        Dark Kingdom and Black Moon fans in the audience booed and started throwing rotten fruit at Kaolinite. "Hey! Ow! Stop that now!" she exclaimed, hiding behind the professor.
        The forementioned fans ran away, shouting, "Down with the Death Busters! The Dark Kingdom rocks baby, yeah!"
        Kaolinite brushed off her clothes. "Ahem. Anywho, we need to steal pure hearts, whatever those are, to find the three talismans that form the Chalice, whatever that is".
        The professor looked around. "Hmm...my daimons ran away, Kaolinite, so I guess I'll just have to use these daimon eggs". He held one up and shouted, "Go, my pet, and steal the hearts of all you may find and more! Oh, and pick up dinner on the way home". Then he threw it out the window.
        Michelle reached across the internet and whacked Meesh on the head. "Underground laboratories don't have windows!"
        "Oh, so what?" Meesh stuck her tongue out. "I'm too tired for logical thinking today (or any day for that matter-Meesh^...^). So there! Nyah!" Meeshy kicked Michelle out of sight and resumed typing.

        Meanwhile, Usagi was back in Tokyo having a baaaaad dream.
        "Moon Crystal Power, Make Up!" she shouted, holding up her locket. Nothing happened, not even cheesy transformation music (phew!-Meesh).
        The other senshi appeared in front of her. "You must be studying too much," Ami said. Rei started to snicker.
        "Or maybe you've been working too hard," Mako added. Rei giggled.
        Minako shrugged. "Maybe you aren't sleeping enough".
        Rei burst into laughter. "Usagi? Not sleep enough? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Maybe... HAHAHA...maybe..." Rei struggled to contain herself. "Hahaha...maybe...heh, heh...it's time for you to retire," she finally managed to say, wiping her eyes. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
        Usagi turned red with anger. "WHAAAAAT?!!! I'm way too young and beautiful to retire!!" This caused Rei to laugh even more. "You jerk!" Usagi yelled, strangling her.

        Usagi was in fact strangling poor Luna, who smacked her repeatedly in order to get her to wake up. But she didn't. Luna was turning a funny shade of purple when Usagi tumbled headfirst our of bed, dropping Luna along the way. Which led to another one of:
        "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
        "Oh, shut up," Meesh said as she entered the fanfic for the first time that day.
        "Who's that?" Usagi whispered, wiping tears out of her eyes.
        "New writer," Luna whispered back.
        "No wonder this episode bites so much".
        "Hey!" Meesh yelled, whacking her with a mallet. "You take that back!!"
        "Uh-oh..." Usagi began to run.
        "COME BACK HERE!!!"
        Usagi looked over her shoulder to see of the angered (actually, furious) author was still chasing her (Got stopped by one of those darn yield signs...didn't know it hurt so much when you ran into them-Meesh^O^) and crashed headfirst into Mamoru.
        "Sorry, miss, I...oh, no, it's YOU!!" Repulsed by the thought of what happens every time he meets Usagi in a park, Mamoru desperately looked for an escape route. 'Gotta hide, gotta hide...'
        "MAMO-CHAN!!!" Usagi cried, knocking him down. "Just the guy I was looking for... well, not really, but you'll do".
        "Usagi...get off..."
        "I had this HORRIBLE dream!"
        "P-Please...get..."
        "I couldn't transform into Sailor Moon, and Rei was being stupid, and..."
        Rei appeared out of nowhere and punted Usagi a distance away. "That's what you get for saying such things about my gorgeous self!" she said, strangely disappearing (well, not really, she took the subway, but that's strange enough-Meesh).
        Relieved that Usagi was now off him, Mamoru once again attempted escape.
        "But Mamo-chan..." Usagi whined, hanging onto his leg. "What if I never transform again?"
        He paused momentarily as an evil thought entered his mind. "If that happens, there'll be no Sailor Moon, which means no Princess Serenity, which means no Neo Queen Serenity, which means I'm off the hook! Whoopee!!" he cried, dancing gleefully.
        "This is a problem," Cheryl announced as she entered the fanfic.
        "Agreed," Michelle agreed (duh). "Without Sailor Moon, we won't be able to torture Tuxedo Kamen! Also, we won't have any use for hi--" An evil grin spread across her face. "If there's no use for him here..."
        "...then we can kick him out of the fanfic. Permanently!" Cheryl finished.
        "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" They laughed simultaneously.
        Cheryl suddenly noticed that Mamoru was no longer standing there. "Hey, he's GONE!!!" she shouted.
        "That jerk!" Michelle exploded. "Ooh...wait 'till I get my hands on that loser..." she fumed.
        "Heh, heh, heh, we'll teach him to mess with US". Cheryl scribbled something in the air with her Dic-er, MiB-no, BiC pen. "HAHAHA!"

        Meanwhile, Mamoru edged his way along an old brick wall. 'Phew,' he thought, glancing behind himself. 'I think I lost 'em!' Mamoru chuckled to himself as he ducked through a big hole in the wall. "Heh-heh-heh, they'll never find me he--aagh!!!" He shrieked in terror, for there before him stood...Usagi. Mamoru pointed a shaky finger at her. "How...how..."
        The authors' evil laughter filled the air.
        "Mamo-chan, why on Earth did you bring me to a place like this?"
        "But I didn't..."
        "I mean, come on! This place is so un-romantic! No candles, no gourmet food, no piles of presents all for ME..."
        "But I DIDN'T..."
        "And look at this! Dirt! Old ucky vines! Broken brick walls!"
        "But I DIDN'T..."
        Usagi shrugged. "Oh, well. I guess this place is as good as any". Usagi closed her eyes and puckered up...and Mamoru ran offscreen to throw up his last meal before "returning" (more like being thrown back onscreen by yours truly-Meesh^...^).
        To escape Usagi once more, Mamoru bolted into the busted-up mansion that just happened to be there. The place was crawling with cats. Mamoru felt his allergies begin to act up again. "Aaah...aah...ahh-CHOO!!!" The force of the sneeze threw him back out the door, into Usagi's waiting arms.
        "Hi, Mam--KITTIES!!!" Usagi kicked Mamoru aside and ran into the mansion. "Kitties, kitties, all for ME!!!" Usagi chased the poor kittens around the mansion until she finally caught one. "Cutie..." she cooed, squeezing the kitten (who flailed its paws frantically in a vain attempt to get away).
        "Uhh...Usagi," Meeshy said, tapping her on the shoulder. "That kitten is turning blue".
        "But it's sooooooooo CUTE!!!"
        "Usagi, put the kitty down!" Cheryl yelled from offscreen.
        "No!" she insisted. "It's MINE! Mine, mine, all mine!" she sang, running away with Cha-chan (the kitten). "Mine, mine-oof!" Usagi ran smack into...a little girl.
        "Gimme my kitty!" Miharu yelled, snatching it away.
        Usagi sniffled. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! You made me cry!!!"
        "So? You're trespassing. Didn't you see the sign that says, 'No trespassing'?"
        "I...what?"
        "See?" Miharu held up a sign that read 'Eat at Joes: Rt 66 off West 3rd Street'.
        Usagi stared at it for a moment. "It's in Japanese. I can't read it," she announced.
        Miharu smiled. "Take my word for it".
        "Oh, sorry. Lalalalalala..." Usagi was off in her own world again.
        "Didn't you hear me? GET OUT!!"
        "Fine! Jerk". Usagi stalked out, sulking.

        Meanwhile, a couple thousand blocks away, Daimon Nekonneru lay disguised as a jigsaw puzzle in Miharu's home. Nothing had happened for the last 30 seconds, so she began to get annoyed. "That Miharu girl is late! Hmph, well, I'll just have to go get that brat early. HAHAHAHA!"

        Usagi threw a temper tantrum in the garden, taking her anger out on Mamoru. "That bratty kid! How dare she!!" she yelled, kicking Mamoru around like a football. "I'll show her who's boss!" Grabbing Mamoru by the hair, she stomped into the house. "Listen, little girl..." she began.
        CRASH. Nekonneru leaped through the open window and landed rather ungracefully in a heap. "Okay, WHO left the window open and ruined my entrance?!!" Nekonneru screamed, choking the props manager (HAHAHA-Meeshy). The others sweatdropped. "Oh...uh, gimme your pure heart. Now!" Nekonneru attacked Miharu with her claws and stole the crystal from her pure heart (whoever came up with that idea should be smacked repeatedly-Meesh^O^).
        "I think she might be in trouble," Usagi said, examining her fingernails. "Perhaps I should transform now?"
        "Drop it, Negascum!" The four other senshi appeared out of nowhere (Michelle: But they HAD to come from somewhere). (Meesh: Shh, don't tell them that).
        Venus tapped Mars on the shoulder. "Actually, Mars, I don't think they're from the Negavers-er, Dark Kingdom".
        "So what? Let's blast 'em. Burning...Mandala!!!"
        "What the heck is a mandala anyways?" Jupiter wondered out loud.
        "Beats me".
        "Me, too".
        "No idea".
        Mars was getting impatient. "Usagi-chan, transform already!"
        "Okay! Moon...Crys...Cryst...Crysi...oh, noooooooo! I can't remember my transformation phrase!!!" The others sweatdropped profusely.
        Suddenly (Gasp!-Meesh) a ball of yellow and blue energy struck Nekonneru, causing her to drop the heart crystal. Two shadowed figures appeared in the doorway. "Nope, not a talisman," one said, examining the crystal.
        "Doh," the other one replied. They threw the crystal at Miharu and turned to go.
        "Where the heck are you going?!!" Venus yelled. "You're senshi, so help us out here!"
        The shadowed figures began to laugh. "Yeah, right. We've got our own problems".
        "Urg! Me Jupiter and me ANGRY! Supreme...Thunder!!!"
        "Uhh...we have to go now..." The shadows disappeared, sweatdropping.
        "WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! I can't transform!!"
        "And I can't take any more of your annoying voice!" Michelle said as she entered the fanfic, followed closely by Cheryl and Meeshy.
        "Yeah, really," Cheryl said. "Someone just give her a new henshin phrase already!"
        "How about 'Moon Brat Make Up'?" Mars suggested.
        "Or 'Moon Whining Make Up'?" added Venus, glad to have another line in this episode.
        "Or 'Crybaby Moon-Wuss Make Up'?" Jupiter put in.
        Usagi was getting mad. "I hate you guys!!"
        "I have an idea," Jerk-Face Kamen spoke up, then whacked Meesh for calling him a jerk-face. "I think she should use 'Moon Cosmic Power Make Up'".
        Everyone was stunned. "Hey!" Usagi cried. "I'm transforming! Yay!" Indeed, she did transform into Sailor Moon. She spun around a few thousand times while a demented heart ring circled her.
        "Is it just me," Cheryl began. "Or do her transformation sequences get cheesier every series?"
        "It's not you, believe me," Meeshy answered.
        "Okay, evil kitty, you're moon-dusted! Moon...Spiral Heart...Attack!!!" Sailor Moon walked up to the daimon and suddenly started spinning around on one foot.
        Meeshy turned a weird shade of green. "I think I'm gonna be sick from all that spinning around".
        "Ditto."
        Nekonneru's eyes were rolling around in their sockets as she tried to watch Sailor Moon's attack. "Ugh...I don't feel so good..." she mumbled before turning back into a puzzle and crumbling to the ground.
        "MWAHAHAHAHA!!! The almighty Sailor Moon is back, bold, and even more beautiful!" Moon cried from a six-foot deep pit. Everyone sweatdropped as her voice echoed up from the pit.
        "Um..."
        "Maybe we should just leave her there..."
        "Good idea, Mercury! Anyone in the mood for cake? I just made some!"
        "You cooked again, Mako-chan? That chocolate cake was the best!"
        "HEY! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!!!" Moon screeched.
        Michelle sweatdropped some more and put a hand to her face. "I think we have to get her out of there... for the sake of world sanity..."
        "Aw, man..." the other senshi whined.
        "Aha! I knew you lame authors had some purpose in life!"
        The senshi sweatdropped as the three authors grew into huge figures in the background. "Would you like to stay there for the rest of the series?"
        "Ah... no."
        "Then SHUT UP."
        Cheryl turned to the senshi standing outside the hole. "So which one of you is going to do it?"
        Mercury bowed apologetically. "Ah... I've got to study now- ja ne!"
        Mars sweatdropped. "I've got to do some prayers now... bye!"
        Jupiter ran off, saying, "I left the cake in the oven!"
        Venus started to back away. "I've got a date tonight..."
        "A date with who? You couldn't catch a boyfri-" Moon shouted. A rock from Venus's direction flew into the hole. "Ouch!"
        Tuxedo Kamen began to tiptoe away. "And where do you think you're going?" Meeshy asked, grabbing onto his cape.
        "Ah... nowhere... somewhere..."
        "Good! The if you're doing nothing... then you can go save her!" Tears formed in Tuxedo Kamen's widening eyes. "Just do it..." Michelle growled.
        "Crapola..."
        "That was weird," Michelle commented, watching Tuxedo Kamen dig away at the hole with a shovel. Moon could be heard in the distance, cheering him on, while Kamen looked like he was digging his own grave. (Which he was... ^_^;; -Cheryl)
        "Yeah," Cheryl agreed. "Imagine Mamoru actually having a purpose in this episode".
        "What is the world coming to?" Meesh wondered.
        "This is all Usagi's fault," Cheryl argued. "If she could go without transforming for just one day..."
        "Really. And it's her fault Mamoru's still here." The three authors turned to Moon, who had just gotten out of the hole. Tuxedo Kamen was on the ground, exhausted.
        "And don't forget Chibi Usa. She's Usagi's fault, too."
        The three authors stared at Sailor Moon with a rather displeased look. She gulped and began to run...

Back to the SM:TMT index page!
Back to the SM:TMT 3rd season episode list!